Handling Scam Artists and Telemarketers

Alright. I admit this not politically correct and all that crap. But it is a lot of fun.

I get about two to four scam calls a day. Auto insurance, auto warranty, old outstanding warrants (at least I think those are fake), past due IRS payments etc.

So… I have devised this evil little plot.

If I hear a delay between me answering the phone and the “Hello… can I speak with…” response, I know immediately I am being called from a phone back in New Delhi or Idontgiveafuckistan and get into my role.

Here is a typical conversation. Imagine it with a Middle East or East Indian accent. TM is the telemarketer…

<<after the pause>> “Hallo… I would like to speak with Gary.”
Me: “Hallo”
TM: “Yes is theese Gary?”
Me: “Hallo”
TM: “Yes I would like to speak with Gary please.”
Me: “Hallo are you speaking for me?”
TM: “Yes, Are you Gary?”
Me: “Why are you speaking for me? I have no goats.”
TM: “Goats? No Gary. I want to speak to Gary”
Me: “I can not pay you. I have no goats.”
TM:”Are you Gary? I wish to speak to him please”
Me: (I cover the phone an say ‘baaaa’)
TM “Gary is that you?”
Me: “Ok. I have one goat but no more!”
TM: “Why are you talking about goats?”
Me: “I have no goats. Do you have my goats?”
TM: “Is Gary there?”
Me: “He does not have any goats either”
TM: “I would like to speak to Gary please.”
Me: “Are you speaking to me?”
TM: “Yes”
Me: “And why is that? I have no goats.”
TM: “I do not know”

Works every time! And it’s fun to do in public with the speaker on!

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